SIMPLE STEPS
by Lindelynia
Summary: One turtle contemplates the unthinkable. Will his brothers stop him in time or will it be too late? If they are able to stop him, will they be able to pull him back from that dark place in his mind? (T for language and possible suicide. Stand alone one-shot. Replacement for Free Falling.)


_A/N: Hiiiiii..._

_Kay, so here's the thing. _

_I realized how completely unoriginal my story "Free Falling" was going to be and went ahead and decided to just call it quits. HOWEVER. I went ahead and wrote this long one-shot that basically gives the overall story that I was going to tell. You don't need to have read Free Falling to understand this story, because it's definitely a stand-alone in itself._

_I hope you enjoy-please let me know whatcha think! Thanks guys!_

* * *

**SIMPLE STEPS**

* * *

S is for Suicide

Are you thinking of killing yourself or someone else?

"Yes. Uh, myself."

I is for Ideation

How likely are you to kill yourself in the next 72 hours?

"Likely enough, I suppose."

M is for Method

How will you kill yourself?

"I've thought about jumping into the river. That way no one would find my body, and my family wouldn't be at risk of exposure."

Exposure to what, sir?

"What? Oh, nothing. Nothing."

P is for Pain

On a scale of 1 to 10, how much psychological pain are you in at the moment?

"Probably an eight, bordering on nine."

Is there anything you can think of that would make it go higher?

"The only thing I can think of that would make it worse is if I were to lose one of my brothers. Or…" _Clears throat. _"All of them…"

L is for Loss

Have you suffered a loss recently or a significant loss in the past you are not over?

"My father passed away about two months ago. It's been really hard on everyone."

E is for Earlier Attempts

Have you ever tried to kill yourself or somebody else before?

"I've only ever killed someone else while defending myself. I would never intentionally hurt an innocent person. As for myself, no, I've never tried to commit suicide before. I've just been putting a lot of thought into it lately."

S is for Substance Abuse

Are you currently drinking alcohol or using drugs? What medications are you taking?

_A smirk. _"No, no drinking. That's just my brother. No drugs, either. No medications at all."

T is for Troubleshooting

How tied up in this are your job, family, and so on?

_A long pause._ "My job… I guess you could say my job _is_ my family. It's my job to watch out for them; keep them safe. My world literally revolves around them."

Then would you say that your situation revolves around them as well?

"No. I… Yes? It's complicated."

How so?

_A sigh. _"I don't blame them for how I'm feeling _at all._ I guess I just feel like I'm not good enough for them, and, to be honest, I feel like they'd be better off without me."

Have you told your family how you're feeling?

"I tried talking to one of my brothers, but… Like I said, things have been hard since our father passed away. My brother's coping the best way he can, but, unfortunately, the way he copes involves isolating himself from the rest of the family and not letting any of us in."

I see. Sir, is there any way you would consider _not _killing yourself?

"I guess if I knew that I was of some use; that what I did mattered; that… That they needed me—"

They do.

_A pause. _"I-I'm not so sure anymore…"

E is for Emotions

Have you ever been diagnosed with a physical or psychological illness?

"No."

How are you feeling right now?

"I feel…" _A long pause._ "…empty. Ashamed. Useless."

Have you ever felt this way before? If so, how often?

_A quiet sigh._ "I guess I've felt this way ever since Spl—uh, my father—passed away. But it's gotten worse; _so_ much worse…"

Have you or are you currently seeing a human service worker of any kind for this problem?

_A soft chuckle._ "No, that's… That's not really an option for me."

Why not, sir?

"Next question, please."

P is for Parents

Has anybody in your family thought about or committed suicide or homicide?

_A long pause._ "You know, I… I'm not sure."

Have your parents experienced any emotional problems?

"It was just my father, growing up, but no, I don't think so."

S is for Stressors

What is going on in your life that leads you to think that suicide/homicide is a viable option or solution to your problems?

"Well… It's kind of a long story."

I have time.

_A small, unamused smirk._ "I'll just leave it at this: One of my brothers was hurt because of a decision I made. My other brothers have made it clear that they hold me completely responsible, and they have every right. But… No one's talked to me in two weeks: not one word. They do everything without me—movies, video games… Things I never used to participate in, but that they'd always invite me to join. I've tried everything I can think of, but..." _His voice shifts into a low whisper. _"It's clear they don't want me around and I think it'd be better to just take myself out of the equation."

Sir, I don't think—

_The opening of a door. A voice in the background. "Leo? What're you doing?"_

Click.

* * *

Leonardo quickly tossed the shell cell onto his bed, turning as Michelangelo limped into the room. He couldn't help but at least glance at the cast encasing his youngest brother's right leg, and ended up swallowing guiltily before meeting those bright blue eyes.

Mikey's gaze held nothing but concern. Admittedly, of all the turtles, Mikey had been the kindest to Leo since the accident. It was ironic that the one who'd been hurt had the easiest time with forgiveness. "You alright, bro?"

Leo nodded fervently. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm good." _Damn it_. His behavior was suspicious and he knew it. Michelangelo barged in right in the middle of Leonardo pouring out his feelings to some operator on the phone. Talk about embarrassing. How much had he heard?

_I shouldn't have even called. I should have just gone to the bridge while I had the chance._

Leo tried his best to smile, he really did. He was willing to do anything to assure Mikey that everything was fine and normal; anything to throw him off Leo's trail, so to speak.

Unfortunately, by the frown on the youngest turtle's face, it didn't seem to be working too well. Mikey waited a moment before saying anything, which was _very _unlike the orange-banded turtle to do.

_Damn it, damn it, damn it._ Leo wasn't one to curse, but a chorus of profanities flurried through his head with every step (or half-step) that his little brother took towards him. Finally, once Mikey was right in front of him, the younger turtle smiled a little, though there was an unmistakable and completely contradictory sadness in his eyes, and then slowly wrapped his arms around Leo's shoulders to embrace him. The oldest turtle stood dumbfounded for a moment, unsure of why exactly Michelangelo was hugging him. "Mike, what—"

"Are you leaving?"

The question was so quiet, so unmistakably sad, that it took Leo by surprise. Hesitantly, he raised his arms to loosely hold Mikey's shell. "Why do you ask?"

"I heard you talking on the phone," the youngest turtle admitted with a sniff, pulling back to rub at his eyes a bit. "You said something about 'taking yourself out of the equation.' Are you going away?"

_No, of course not,_ is what Leo's mind said, but all he could do was stand silent and slack-jawed. Mikey just heard the end of the conversation; he thought Leo was going on a trip, possibly to Japan. What was he supposed to say?

Well, he had to say _something._ Mikey was staring at him with those puppy-dog eyes that demanded answers… Or permission, depending on the situation. "Uh, y-yeah, I was thinking about it," Leo responded quietly. "I thought the distance might be good… You know." Leo nodded toward the door, obviously meaning between Donnie, Raph, and him.

Mikey frowned some more, obviously not pleased with the answer, but nodded nonetheless. "Well… I wish you'd stay, but… I understand." Leo raised an inquisitive eyebrow. "You do?"

"Well, yeah," Mike nodded again, taking a step back so the two could get a better look at each other. "I mean, I know it's been hard for you lately, and they haven't exactly been going easy on you."

_Yeah, no kidding._

"But… I want you to know, bro, that what happened to me wasn't your fault." Leo opened his mouth to protest, but Mikey jumped right back in. "We _all_ messed up, and the guys know it too. They're just being shell-heads, as always." Mikey's smile seemed genuine this time, and Leo couldn't help but send a small smile back.

"Yeah, I guess… Do you think, uh… What do you think they'd think about it?"

"'bout what?"

"Me leaving."

Mikey blinked. "Oh, right." Leo held his breath. He secretly hoped his youngest brother would ask him to stay… It would have meant more to him than Mikey knew. But… "If I'm bein' honest? It'd probably be good for everybody—the space and all."

_Ouch._ There was no way for Michelangelo to understand what he'd just said, because he didn't understand what Leo really meant by going away. But in Leo's mind, his worst fears had been confirmed: the guys would be better off without him.

Now all he needed to do was prepare.

"Leo? Yoohoo! Anybody home?" The animated turtle in the orange mask was waving a hand in front of Leonardo's face, trying to snap him back into reality. Leo shook himself and nodded, smiling sheepishly. "Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right. You know, Mikey… I think I'm going to go for a run."

Mikey furrowed his brow and tilted his head, obviously confused. "Now? It's like midnight!"

This time, Leo was able to fake a playful grin. "Perfect time, right?" Mikey returned the grin full-force but then looked on in confusion as Leonardo turned away to stare at his phone.

"You sure you're alright, bro?"

Leo stared on for a moment, wondering if there was even a point to take it with him. If he ended up going through with it tonight and jumping from the bridge, he didn't want to rob Donatello of the technology his brother treasured so. The only downfall would be he wouldn't be able to call for help if he got ambushed by the foot and/or purple dragons, but… Who really cared?

Not Leo.

"Yeah, I'm positive," Leo said with an affirming nod, turning to smile at his brother one more time. _Possibly for the last time,_ he realized with a sobering clarity. He swallowed down his emotion and took a step forward, reaching up to cup Mikey's face with one hand and give it a gentle (but totally manly) pat. "Thanks for the talk little brother. I'll be back soon."

Michelangelo seemed confused by the gesture, but smiled nonetheless. "Yeah… Be careful, alright?"

Leo only nodded one more time before walking away entirely, not trusting himself to speak anymore. As he made his way down the stairs, he could see Raphael sitting on the couch with a can of soda. Off to the side, in another room, the sound of a welding torch could be heard. Donatello must have been working while Raphael watched a movie. Typical night in the lair.

As Leonardo reached the bottom of the staircase, he couldn't help but pause in his movements and just… Watch Raphael for a minute. He tried to memorize every feature of his brother's face, wanting to remember it in this life and the next. Especially if—

"Take a picture; it'll last longer."

Oops. Leo had been standing there for too long. Thankfully, Raph hadn't even turned to look at Leo when he spoke, so he didn't see the obvious color in Leo's cheeks. "Sorry. I'll- I'll be back later. Don't wait up."

At that, Raph turned his head to give Leo a funny look, but the oldest turtle missed it on his way out of the lair. Still, Raphael only shrugged and took another sip of his soda.

* * *

After Leonardo walked out of the room, Mikey didn't follow. Not at first. Instead, he let his curiosity get the better of him, slowly looking back at the abandoned phone. Who had Leo been talking to, anyway?

The nosy turtle limped over to the bed and picked up the phone, pressing a few buttons so he could look at the recent contacts.

"1-800-273-8255"

Michelangelo blinked… Tilted his head…

Eh, forget it.

"Hey, Donnie!"

Limping down a level one stair at a time, Mikey watched as a very irritated-looking Donatello emerged from his lab. "Mike, you really shouldn't be using the stairs yet. Why didn't you stop him?" He turned an accusing eye to Raphael, who didn't seem the least bit fazed.

"I ain't his babysitter."

"Dooooooon. Whose number is this?"

As Michelangelo read the number off to the purple-banded turtle, Donnie's brow twitched and he shook his head. "I don't know. It sounds like a business of some sort. Most companies' numbers start with that 1-800 nonsense."

It was Mikey's turned to be confused for like… The 50th time that day. "Business? Nah, that can't be right."

Donatello blinked. "Why do you say that?"

"Well, 'cause Leo was talking to someone about 'going away' or something, and this was the last number he dialed."

Donnie's brow furrowed and he silently held his hand out for the phone, as if wanting to see for himself. Raphael just smirked from the couch, eyeing Mikey almost like he was impressed. "You stalkin' Leo now?"

"No!" Mikey yelled indignantly before suddenly turning sheepish and avoiding eye contact. "I just worry about him is all," he muttered.

"Why? Leo's a big turtle; he can fend for himself." The two were so busy talking they barely noticed Donatello disappearing back into the lab, Leo's phone still in hand.

"I know, but he's had a hard couple a' weeks, and you know it."

"Why ya sayin' it like that? It ain't my fault he's been mopin' around."

Mikey was starting to get annoyed. "You haven't been helping either. You always give him crap, and it's gotten worse since my leg happened."

"That's 'cause your leg was his fault!" Raph raised his voice in frustration, sitting up in his seat and crossing his arms. "He led the fight that night and—"

"Well YOU were the one who WANTED the fight! He tried to get us to go home, and you were all, 'No, I'm a tough turtle, I can take 'em all with both hands tied behind my back.'"

"Watch it, Mike," Raph growled, fixating a dangerous glare on his youngest brother.

"No, you know what? It wasn't Leo's fault that my leg got broken. It was _yours_—and mine, and Donnie's. We're supposed to be a team; a family. We share the responsibility. If one of us goes down, we all go down, right?"

Raphael paused, taking a long moment of silence to mull over Mikey's words. He was angry, sure, but he also knew the youngest turtle was right. For once. God, when was the last time he and Leo even _talked_?

It wasn't until he opened his mouth to say something that Donatello came flying out of the lab, bo staff on his back and lab coat abandoned in the room behind. "We've gotta go," he mumbled hurriedly, already moving towards the exit of the lair, leaving a very confused Mikey and Raph in his wake. Raph stood slowly. "Yo, Don, where's the fire?"

Donnie huffed out a breath of frustration but then turned back to his brothers, only giving a quick explanation before disappearing into the sewers.

"It was the suicide hotline."

* * *

It took Leonardo a little bit to reach the bridge, but scaling to the top was no problem. There were a lot more cars out tonight than usual, so the only thing he had to worry about was sticking to the shadows. Luckily, that was his expertise.

Once he reached the very top, he paced around the small area he had before finally sitting, letting his legs dangle off over the side in a teasing manner. The sky was clear, or as clear as it could be in New York City. The moon was shining bright on Leo's shell and, more importantly, on the water below him. He watched in a trance-like state as the small waves crashed against each other and couldn't help but wonder… Would it hurt? Or would it be too quick for him to really know?

He must have sat there for a solid thirty minutes; an hour, at most. He watched the moon slowly budge across the sky, counted about ten stars (which was a lot for NYC), and then decided…

He wouldn't jump that night.

It's not that he didn't want to, but… He wasn't completely sure that he was ready, either.

Maybe the next day he'd come out and try again.

Slowly and cautiously, he brought himself to his feet, gaze never leaving the water. Behind him, a pair of feet slowly came forward, as if scared that if they made too much noise, they'd cause Leonardo to accidentally slip and fall to his death.

"Leo."

Leonardo immediately turned and saw none other than Raphael standing behind him. His brother seemed… Nervous? He was holding his hands up in almost a surrendering manner, feet enough apart that he could lunge forward if need be. "Raph? What're you doing here?"

"Step away from the edge, bro. I just wanna talk to ya."

Leo blinked, keeping his calm externally even though he felt his stomach twist up in nervous nods. With a hesitant nod, he matched Raphael's hand gestures, holding his own hands up slightly as he took a step or two forward.

Raph seemed more and more relieved with every step that Leo took, but Leo maintained his confusion. Why was Raphael acting like this? Did he know about…?

Soon, Leo was standing two feet in front of his brother, and Raphael had relaxed enough to cross his arms. "Why, uh… Why are you up so high?"

Leonardo shrugged, trying to play it off as casually as possible. "I just needed some air. I come up here sometimes… You get a good view of the city. See?"

Without another word, Leo turned away again and pointed to the skyline that was Manhattan. Raphael followed his big brother's gaze for a moment, but he seemed more focused on the big brother himself. It wasn't hard to tell that something had shaken Raphael up, but just like Leo, he was trying to play it cool until he actually had a reason to freak out. "Yeah, it's… Cool, I guess."

Leo smirked softly, wondering how Raph had become so difficult to impress, before turning back to the red-banded turtle to catch Raph staring at him instead. Leonardo swallowed. "You should take a picture. It'll last longer."

…

So much for a laugh.

Raphael squirmed a bit uncomfortably, if it was even possible for him to do such a thing. "Leo, I—"

"Leo! Thank God."

Before Leonardo could even blink, he had an armful of Donatello squeezing the life out of him. He grunted with the effort of trying to breathe. "Donnie? What's going on?"

Don pulled back, keeping a firm grip on Leo's shoulders, with an even firmer look in his eye. From the puffiness there and the wet gleam of his cheeks, it was obvious he'd been crying. "We know what number you called before you left the lair. I thought you were…"

There was a beat of awkward silence before Donatello's words registered in Leonardo's mind. It was only then that Leo started to visibly tremble and avoid eye contact at all cost. "I… I'm so—"

"Let's just get back to the lair, okay? We can talk there." Don's tone had changed to a reassuring one, and even though Leo nodded, he was more nervous than he'd ever been in his life. He peeked up at Raphael for an instant and saw that his brother's defenses had come down a bit, though not to the point that Donatello's had. Raph was scared, but more than that, Raph was scared for Leonardo, and that was something Leo hadn't seen in a very long time.

* * *

After a silent trek back to the lair, the doors to their home slid open. Donatello went in first and was unfortunate enough to fall victim to Michelangelo's fist hitting him straight in the jaw. Raphael jumped forward immediately, moving to hold Mikey's arms behind his back. "Woah! The hell're ya doin', Mike?!"

Mikey's jaw dropped and his voice jumped like 5 octaves. "DON! I'm so sorry! I meant to hit Leo!"

"Leo's the one in blue, Mikey."

"Wait, what?" Leo blinked. "Why me?"

Michelangelo turned a very betrayed and hurt gaze onto the oldest turtle. It was obvious he was on the verge of tears as he began to chew Leo out. "Because you lied to me! You weren't talking to someone about a trip, you were talking to someone about _killing_ yourself! Why would you do that?!"

The living room flooded with silent tension as everyone—not just Mikey—waited to hear the answer they all wanted to know. Leonardo glanced around at all of them and then let his shame-filled gaze fall to the floor, once again avoiding eye contact at all costs. "I… I thought you'd be better off without me. I just needed someone to talk to."

Michelangelo shook himself free of Raphael's strong grip and waved his arms around, like he was trying to get Leo's attention. The youngest turtle was obviously very, very angry. "Hello? My name's Mikey and I'm your brother. I'm a pro at cheering people up! Why wouldn't you come talk to me? And why would you lie?"

"Because I was embarrassed!" Leo shouted back, going on the defensive. "I'm not supposed to be weak; I'm the leader. I'm supposed to take care of all of you, not the other way around."

Raphael stepped forward. "Bro, we're a team. A family. We're supposed to share the load, remember?" Mikey sent Raph a quick look of approval before glaring in Leo's direction again. Leonardo eyed Raph up and down skeptically but said nothing.

Raph noticed the look he was getting and sighed a little, taking a step forward. "Listen, Leo… I know I haven't been easy to put up with these past couple weeks. Things have been hard, and… You know me, I don't do good in these types of situations. But I guess that sometimes I forget that you need help, too," Raphael admitted quietly, to everyone's astonishment. Leo frowned, but his eyes seemed a little shinier, so Raph took another step forward and talked on, placing a strong hand on Leo's closest shoulder. "I know I'm a pain in the ass, and _everyone_ knows you're a pain in _my_ ass." Leo smiled a little at that part, but he couldn't hide the way his chin trembled. If Raph noticed, he didn't call him out on it. If anything, he just tightened his grip on Leo's shoulder. "But I would _die_ without you," Raphael whispered, forcing Leo to look up and meet his gaze. It was around this time that a single tear slipped down Leonardo's cheek. "You're the only big brother I got. So… I'm askin' ya to please—_please_—don't ever think about hurtin' yourself again. Alright?"

Leo sniffled a bit but ultimately nodded, shutting his eyes tight to try and pull himself together. Before he even got a chance, though, the biggest, baddest turtle pulled Leo in for a hug. It wasn't a cute and cuddly hug; it was a fierce embrace that Leo wouldn't be allowed out of if he tried. Still, he reached an arm around and slapped Raph on the shell once before just clinging onto him and trying to make his breathing become even again.

After Donatello picked himself up off the floor, he moved over to where Raphael and Leonardo stood and just placed a hand on Leo's shoulder from behind. Every now and then, when Leo's breath became especially shallow, Donnie would give a good, hard squeeze, which seemed to help at least marginally. "I'm sorry, too," the genius turtle whispered with an obvious hint of remorse in his tone. Leonardo didn't say anything, but he reached an arm back to clasp over Donatello's hand, and that's all that Donnie needed.

After a long moment, Leo pulled away from his brothers and looked to the only turtle missing from the group exchange: Michelangelo. Leo's cheeks were soaked in tears and he reached forward with an uncharacteristic helplessness in his gestures. "I'm so sorry," he choked out. That was all Mikey needed to hear before hobbling forward as quickly as he could and throwing his arms around Leonardo's neck. "It's okay. I'm right here, bro. You're gonna be fine."

Don smiled across the pair at Raphael, who was trying to rub his eyes as inconspicuously as possible. When he caught Don watching him, he just sent him a warning glare, as if saying, "You better not say nothin'." Don, in turn, smirked with a warmth in his eyes that said, "Wouldn't dream of it."

* * *

_A/N: 1-800-273-8255 is a real number. Don't be afraid to ask for help. And remember, you're always loved._


End file.
